The American delegation is on its way here. The Prime Minister has asked me to circulate this paving note to avoid any confusion about the gravity of the situation. Just to be clear: you do not have an 'opinion' about war. War is fucking serious. It costs lives. And careers. If anyone - and I mean anyone, from Paxman to the sandwich lady - asks you about it, adopt a solemn expression and say this is an issue of international security. It would be wrong to comment at this time.

Accordingly, I am elevating the terror threat to Shut Fuck 3. I don't need to remind you all how sensitive this is. But I will. Imagine the most sensitive part of your body. Perhaps it's a body part you have a 'special relationship' with. Imagine how even more sensitive it would be if it suffered some sort of brutal fucking trauma. That's how sensitive - and vulnerable - the issue of war is.

Don't rock the boat. Remain seated in the boat and await further announcements. If you start to feel queasy, feel free to puke into a bag. Or contact me and I'll arrange to have you tossed overboard like the flailing fucking human jetsam you are, into a cruel sea teeming with fat, vicious dead-eyed media cunts smelling of fish and garlic and booze and human blood. I'm sure that won't be necessary.