So, look I know there's going to be a lot of hotel room stays this week one way and another, so after the weekend's festival of cabinet spouse sperm the tabs and the pricksteins who like to pretend they're above it will be ferreting after every check-out statement in town looking for signs of skin flicks. So here's my advice. For the next week, no tossing.

Got it? Just leave that emergency cord untugged. There may be a penalty for doing so, and that penalty may be having your knob cut off.

If you really do find it imperative to choke the chicken during this period of international crisis meetings, may I suggest you do not use any paid-for visual aides. To this end, there follows a selection of ideas for images you may like to imagine if your bonce is so grey with policy you can't muster your own mental filth.

So, emergency government recommended wank scenarios are:

1) Imagine a fit bird in her knickers

If this does not work you may like to move on to the next stage:

2) Imagine a fit bird with no knickers.

If even this does not do it for you, then you can try to:

3) Imagine two fit birds with no knickers.

The next level is pretty spicy, so hang on to your hats:

4) Imagine three fit birds one with knickers, two with no knickers.

And finally, for the hard-core:

5) Imagine two fit birds and a bloke all doing it like billio all ways up.

Good?

If you feel the need for any more stimulation go and see Jamie who will draw you some fucking pictures. But do not, whatever you do, hit that red button alright?

Thank you and goodnight.